Exciting an INTP when dating

topic posted Mon, January 22, 2007 - 7:24 PM by  Ilan
OK. I'm going to confess that I'm a little bit over my head. An ESTJ trying to seduce an INTP is a tall order. I know. But the sex is too good to not give it my best shot :) Living in an urban setting during a cold northeast winter, what are some dating activities that would excite an older and more stable INTP? Anyone has a good tip out there??? Ilan
posted by:
New York City
    • Ouch.

      That's such an accurate despriction of me its _Really_ not funny.

      Although, the space issue should have been as seperate bullet point. And an inclusion of INTP's wanting you to go away and making _honest_ statements like "It's not you, it's me i just need some space right now,"
      • Wow... I think many of those points apply to INTP women too (especially the one you raise about the "it's not you, it's me" -- yes that really isn't an excuse; if you go away and come back a half-hour later you will find embracing arms.

        The part that didn't jibe at all for my feminine side is the "like his eyes glaze over at all the emotional crap you talk about" -- because my emotional side is extremely strong and my thinking side loves nothing more than taking it on and parsing it out.

        So I definitely need a partner who can talk about emotional stuff and be very engaged by it. I wonder if this is a fundamental difference between INTP females and males. Are there any INTP/INTP relationships out there who can comment?
        • I don't mind talking about my feelings, when i have them, and am in the mood. I analyze _Everything_. It'd be easier to stop breathing and go on living than no longer trying to reduce things to their component parts. Oh yes, and when i talk about my emotions i expect (ok, demand is probably closer) the conversation to remain private. Very, very few things irritate me more than knowing I'm being DISCUSSED. I also usually only discuss my emotions, which are strong (when present), but almost always take third place to my intellect and intuition.
        • I am an INTP female and I dislike talking about feelings all the time; it's opressive.

          It is all right to talk about feelings a little bit. It is expected in a relationship. If the conversation is deep and there are opportunities for extrapolation/advice/self-discovery, then emotional discussions can be very invigorating.

          However, there is a point where there is *too much* talk about feelings. In fact, this is the #1 reason that I refuse to date most the men that ask me out; clinginess and emotional neediness is a sign that they are not ready to be the leader of a home. There is no way I would let a relationship with a friend I am not dating, but freaks out because I don't return a facebook comment or needs me to talk him through his problems all the time, become anything more. Even in a dating relationship, I would prefer someone who is emotionally stable; who will come to me for support or to talk through something if its important, but who won't fall to pieces if I'm not around for a few days.

          There is also a maturity factor to consider. I know an ESFJ who is perhaps the most 'emotionally honest' person I know. {Very counter intuitive to my nature, considering I mask my emotions in public, and take time to process them.}. Yet, he is not overly 'emotional' or clingy with others. Rather, he is very aware of his own feelings, able to talk about them with others, and able to incorporate both feelings and fact in coversations.

          I tend to have casual friendships with girl Fs (The EFs can push past my barries, the IFs I generally make it a mission to befriend), and deeper friendships with male INTJs and sometimes ISTs and FJs.

          As far as romantically, the things that interest me most are:

          Shared values, love of God, intelligence, logic, talent/skill, leadership or initiative, interesting hobbies, quirky humor, chivalry, whimsy, when a guy takes one of my odd connections/jokes/brainstorm ideas and runs with it, like of deep discussions, doesn't view debates as 'conflict'
      • Oh, and one other thing... the "he's not a mind-reader" thing. I would expect that of a ST, but not an NT.

        The "N" is, after all, intuitive -- which, sorry guys, implies some mind-reading ability. In fact, one of the most vexing aspects of being an INTP female is being able to read what's going on with people often a lot better than they can.

        Sometimes this can be a very good thing, since people often appreciate being read and responded to with no effort on their part. But all too often it becomes negative -- like when they start expecting you to *always* be able to read their mind or, worse, if they are not aware of the unconscious material you're responding to or, worse, actively deny it and then think you're nuts for seeing it.

        Which makes me think that all this "I'm not a mind-reader" stuff from INTP guys is just a lot of protesting too much (i.e. they really CAN intuit what's going on with others, but are put off by the potential demand this may place on them).
        • "some" mind reading is intuition. And there are times I'm good at it and times I'm not. I am also not always :) paying full attention to my mate. I often have no idea what she is thinking about, and I'm perfectly happy to "not make assumptions". If I ask a question, I like to get a clear and direct answer to that question.

          I've also spent a fair amount of time around folks who claim (and seem) to be "energetically aware". Often they are right on, and when they are wrong they are simply not open to that possibility. My intuition is not always right, and my thinking is not always right.

          As for the negative aspects of being intuitive, if people hang out with me long enough they figure out when I'm "on" and when I'm not. And if I point something out they don't see, they either see it later or they don't. We all deal with it or we don't

        • I can read, and usually um... direct people easily, intuitively, but trying to do so consciously is often a waste of time if I'm not familiar with the person. Also, in crowds, especially crowds of people i don't know, i'm _WAY_ to distractible to read people without more effort than its usually worth.
  • thank you for posting this!!!
    • Trying to expand my original question. What are things one can do to really excite an INTP? The 2nd posting gave me a hint to manage an existing dynamic. But what can be done to accelerate it? What will turn the INTP "on"?
      • a new experience, something stimulating.

        For me, like if i go to the theatre and don't particularly like the show i can still _study_ it as opposed to just _watching_ it.
        • Unsu...
          Does your INTP have some projects or topics that they're particularly interested in? If so, show some enthusiasm and interest.

          This is a bull's eye for me:

          " If you want something, ask for it. If you do not get all emotional and are willing to take no for an answer, they will usually try to accommodate any reasonable request. *hint* Socializing with large (or sometimes even small) groups of people for extended periods of time is not a reasonable request. This is normal behavior, not something you need to fix. It is not personal. If you like to socialize a lot, you have two choices: be willing to leave him at home with some cold pizza and his computer or find a different guy"
      • What is a turn on for me is when someone "knows" what they are talking about.....they have the experience and knowledge to back it up. And that they are willing to expand what they know. A stale mind is best left alone. As an INTP, someone who has varied interests and experiences to give to a relationship is always interesting and never boring.

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